Mail on Sunday

Dying for a Kiss ; How to Have a Good Death Bbc2, Thursday ..... Tony Robinson: Me and Mymum C4, Monday ..... Don'tmess with Miss Beckles Bbc2, Tuesday ..... Waterloo Road Bbc1, Thursday ..... The Commander Itv1, Monday ..... The New Paul O'grady Show C4, Mon-Fri .....

When does a kiss stop being a kiss and become a t h r e e - c o u r s e meal? That is the question I have to keep asking myself as EastEnders' Naomi sets about Sonia's face. Sonia, a relatively happily married woman until she met the cannibal, is going to need plastic surgery if this continues, although I suspect that nothing short of an armed guard is going to protect the poor girl's face.

Webber's Wet Whistle ; Whistle Down the Wind Palace Theatre, London 2hrs 30mins (Including Interval) Guys and Dolls Piccadilly Theatre, London 2hrs 30mins (Including Interval) ..... One Flew Overthe Cuckoo's Nest Garrick Theatre, London 2hrs 20mins (Including Interval)

To get the flavour of Whistle Down The Wind, imagine an amalgamation of Grease and Jesus Christ Superstar performed by a Sunday school group of infants and teachers. For Andrew Lloyd Webber's 1998 adaptation of Mary Hayley Bell's novel huffs and puffs about the big things in life: good and evil, faith in God, sexual awakening, rock 'n' roll, and, not surprisingly, it's a slightly indigestible hotchpotch of schmaltz, sin and soul-searching. But under Bill Kenwright's impressively simple, unclu...

An Intense Passion in Every Note ; an Evening with Robert and Clara Schumann Roger Vignoles and Friends Queen Elizabeth Hall, London Brahms: Liebeslieder Waltzes Robert Shaw Festival Singers Chopin: Complete Works for Piano and Orchestra Kun-Woo Paik Decca (Two Cds)

Another of this year's significant milestones is the 150th anniversary of the death of Robert Schumann, who died in a lunatic asylum, aged only 46. Schumann is a composer of the front rank, who made important contributions to the symphonic and chamber music repertoire. He especially excelled in song, and solo piano music, where his rich and varied output bears comparison with Schubert's.

Pink Is Best When She's Red with Anger

The attitude to teen-pop acts among all but their target audience is usually one of sniffy condescension. Good records go unrecognised (the marvellous Girls Aloud album was conspicuous by its absence from most 2005 best-of roundups). Conversely, mediocre ones are applauded merely for not being absolutely dreadful.

Slaves to Convention ; Spartacus Bolshoi Ballet Hippodrome, Birmingham Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo Peacock Theatre, London

The last time I saw the Bolshoi Ballet's production of Spartacus was in 1969, when I was still in short trousers. The show was new to London and it caused a sensation; I can still remember how impressed I was by its raw energy and high velocity. But like a lot of revisited childhood experiences, Spartacus doesn't live up to memory's rosy glow. Yes, it remains a strong and clearly narrated dance drama, and Khachaturian's brash, explosive score provides a perfect match for Yuri Grigorovich's vi...

These Whopping Public Pensions Are Crippling Me

As a private-sector employee, the only way I can accept public- sector workers retiring many years earlier than me, on very generous pensions, is if they were to fund this themselves through higher personal contributions. If I wished to retire much earlier than most people, I would at least expect to pay more myself. In fact, I would feel guilty asking taxpayers to fund my magnificent perks, while they are being asked to work until they drop for much reduced pensions.

Try Barcelona, Rome or Nice

TAKE a break in Barcelona, Rome or Nice from just Pounds 209 per person with this week's Mail on Sunday Travel Selection. With flights from your local airport, these four-day holidays also include a guided city tour in the price.

The Lawn Trimmer That's a Summer Breeze

TAKE the effort out of keeping your garden tidy this summer with this superb, lightweight cordless electric Grass Trimmer from Garden Gear. The powerful 18v motor provides up to 80 minutes' use on a single charge, cutting up to 100 sq metres, enough to cover even the largest of gardens.

Grow Your Own Good Life Veg ; Sick of Salad Bags? Charlie Dimmock Follows Intomand Barbara'swelly Prints and Produces a Truly 'Green' Crop

I THOUGHT I'd be really good the other day, so I bought organic salad. And what did I find? It had been imported from Egypt, so it had been flown right across Europe at a time when we're supposed to worry about the 'food miles' clocked up by importing out-of-season stuff.

It's Only Rockies and Roll ... ; but Chris Jagger Loved Every Second of His Epic Wildwater Trek Down Canada's Nahanni River

MOST people visiting Canada use it as a stopping-off point on the way to America or merely hop from one fine-looking city to another but I wanted to see its wide-open spaces, lakes, mountains and rivers which is why I headed for the Nahanni River area in the north- west. En route I passed through Toronto, where I caught my brother Mick's band rehearsing for their North American Rolling Stones tour.

From Goose Green to Albatross Island ; John Craven Flies Out to Join a New Falklands Battle of Survival 24 Years On From the War

THE Falklands will always be remembered for the conflict which began when Argentina invaded the islands 24 years ago today. But right now they are at the centre of a very different battle to save that magnificent bird the albatross.

Late Deals of the Week

BEST CRUISE EXPLORE Turkey's Lycian coast aboard an eight-cabin luxury gulet and save Pounds 550. A week aboard the fully-crewed vessel has been reduced to Pounds 400 per person sharing a double cabin, including return flights from Heathrow or Manchester to Dalaman, transfers, all meals, watersports and visits to historic sites. Call Exclusive Escapes on 020 8605 3500 or visit www.hiddenturkey.com BEST LONG HAUL ENJOY Easter in Sri Lanka. Somak Holidays (020 8423 3000, www.somak.co.uk) is off...

Goddess for the Day in Adorable Indore ; Monisha Bharadwaj Tours One of India's Undiscovered Gems... And Enjoys Divine Encounter with a Stranger

AS A child growing up in Mumbai I had heard of Indore as a historical little city, famous for its colourful saris, in the central Indian region of Madhya Pradesh. Only much later, when I had a chance to visit, did I realise its fullbodied charm.

Hip,Hip Hotels ; the Crafty Traveller You Can Get Trendy Accommodation at Affordable Rates If You Know Where to Look, Says Fred Mawer

THANKS to the boom in budget hotel chains over the past decade, most British cities are quite well served with basic but decent accommodation. At the other end of the spectrum, there is seldom a shortage of fancy, expense-account hotels. However, it's often hard to find characterful, good-quality, midrange hotels, which is why the growth of mini-chains of urban hotels offering stylish bedrooms and good food at often surprisingly affordable prices is such a welcome development.

How to Spend a Pounds 100 in Valletta ; Never Say'valletta Reminds Me Of...' Because There's Nowhere Quite Like the Proud Little Maltese Capital, with Its Atmospheric Old Town, Bustling Harbour and Dear Old British Buses.And with Pounds 100 to Spend, You Can Also Discover Antiquities Older Than the Pyramids and a Famous Fish Soup,As Gareth Huw Davies Reveals ...

GET ON THE BUSES BREAD OF HEAVEN MALTA, about half the size of London, lies 60 miles south of Sicily and is shot through with a familiar sense of Britain. It's safe and welcoming and your biggest test will be pronouncing names such as Marsaxlokk, Xemxija and Birzebbuga places you can reach on the island's awfully nostalgic buses, an antique and efficient fleet of 500 yellow-liveried British Leylands and Bedfords which reaches all parts.

Travel Book of the Week

THE Way of St James (El Camino de Santiago) is the pilgrims' route to Santiago in northwest Spain,where the apostle St James is said to be buried. It rose to prominence in the Middle Ages when, along with Rome and Jerusalem, Santiago was decreed to be one of the pilgrimages through which all sins could be forgiven (a sort of ecclesiastical'get out of jail free'card).

Is Heartbreak Hotel a Good Place to Dwell?

QMY husband is an Elvis fanatic so I'm planning a surprise trip to Memphis later this year for his 60th birthday. Someone told me that for the real Elvis experience we ought to stay at Elvis Presley's Heartbreak Hotel not down at the end of Lonely Street, apparently, but next door to Graceland on Elvis Presley Boulevard.

Le Weekend Ski Pad ; Buying Property in Frenchalpine Resorts Is Increasing As Britons Seek a Winter High

JUST over half a million British skiers will have been to France by Easter but many will come back with a new home. According to MGM, the largest builder in the French Alps, a quarter of buyers there come from Britain.

Trescothick Returns ; England's Vice-Captain Set to Resume His Test Career

MARCUS Trescothick appears to be winning his battle to resume an international career some even feared may be over for good. England's most experienced player has been back in the gym and is this week set to pick up a bat again for full net practice for the first time since his emotional departure from the India tour, with the aim of playing in Somerset's opening match of the new domestic season in just over two weeks.

Fletcher in Mercy Flight

DUNCAN Fletcher is back in South Africa today after England's troubled tour of India was hit by another sudden departure. The England coach flew home to Cape Town yesterday to accompany his wife Marina, who has been in India for the past two weeks but is suffering from an unspecified medical condition.