Liz Jons's Diary ; 'Did You Fancy A's New Girlfriend More Than Me?' I Asked. He Paused for What Seemed Like Ages. 'Why Doyoueven Have to Thinkabout It?' I Yelled

Mail on Sunday › July 28, 2006

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Summary

We were in bed on Sunday morning, cuddling, for the first time in what has seemed like years (he is usually up with the larks, checking his emails and drinking countless cups of horrid instant coffee). We had been to a party at a friend's house the night before and it had been quite disconcerting, as people kept saying to us, 'So, are you two still living together?' and, 'Have you forgiven him yet?' and it was all a bit embarrassing, although my fault, obviously, for putting our marital linen in the public domain. I almost wanted to ask our host, 'So, are you still sleeping with your overweight husband?' but thought better of it. It is a bit awkward for my poor husband, everyone knowing his peccadilloes, and so that morning I asked him, 'What's the worst thing you have said to your friends about me?' and he thought for a bit and said, 'That you're always telling me what to do!' 'Am I? Like what, for instance?' 'Don't eat peanut butter out of the jar. Don't eat standing up without a plate. Don't sit on the couch in your yoga shorts. Don't sit on Squeaky. Feed Susie. Dry Snoops.

Don't make Sweetie scratchy. Don't leave tea bags in the sink.' 'Yes, but you don't do any of them.' 'That is beside the point. Apart from that I've never said anything mean about you.' 'I don't believe you. You must have told those women you slept with that you were married to a superannuated bat. How on earth did you find six women who were nicer than me? They must all have been ugly trollops.' 'They weren't ugly. They were OK.' At the party, a male friend of ours in his late 40s/early 50s was with his new early 20s girlfriend, and I had spotted my husband eyeing her up. 'Did you fancy A's new girlfriend more than me?' He paused for what seemed like ages. 'Why do you even have to think about it?' I yelled, propping myself up on an elbow.

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Liz Jons's Diary ; 'Did You Fancy A's New Girlfriend More Than Me?' I Asked. He Paused for What Seemed Like Ages. 'Why Doyoueven Have to Thinkabout It?' I Yelled

'She was a boring, mousy dwarf!' 'Yes, but she hasn't accumulated decades of madness and impos...

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