Liz Jones's Diary ; (1)in Which I Start Crocheting Doilies(2) I Have Come to Terms with My Inevitable Fate, Which Is Why I Told My Husband That We Need to Talk

Mail on Sunday › March 06, 2007

Linked as:

Summary

On Wednesday, because I was having a really busy morning and was due to fly to New York for the fashion shows (oh, the joy; another week of the youngest and thinnest women in the world parading their tiny spherical buttocks inches from my nose), I asked my husband if he would pick up my dry cleaning. When I got home later that day, he told me it wasn't ready (there is no domestic task he does not have a perfectly reasonable get-out clause for), and so after 6pm I had to go and pick it up myself. I gave the man my docket. 'Ah yes,' he smiled, 'your son tried to collect it earlier.' You see.

Even though my best female friend Kerry and my little friend Emine and my sister Sue and just about everyone else in the universe tells me the age difference doesn't matter, that I look 'confusingly young', that my husband doesn't deserve me, that he will never find anyone as lovely and kind as me, that FWD is probably a really horrible, unintelligent, unattractive, unfunny person, it takes an objective (and soon to be worryingly down on his weekly turnover) person to actually tell you the truth. I am too old for him. And it is this unalterable fact that will cause us to break up, not the infidelity or the laziness or the ignoring. I reckon I have a year, tops, before bits of me start to fall off or seize up, and when he will have every right to start sleeping with other women again, finally falling into the arms of the most moist among them, with whom he will then start having babies (bald ones, not fur ones), leaving me alone, in a shawl, crocheting doilies and eating battenburg. He has just come in and interrupted my typing by demonstrating something called 'up rocking', a sort of preparatory dance performed before you start body popping. I told him to mind the floorboards.

See the full content of this document

Extract

Liz Jones's Diary ; (1)in Which I Start Crocheting Doilies(2) I Have Come to Terms with My Inevitable Fate, Which Is Why I Told My Husband That We Need to Talk

I have, though, come to terms with my inevitable fate, which is why I told my husband...

See the full content of this document